‘We have valued this support more than I could ever express. When something like this happens, there really isn’t a way to describe how you feel. You’re lost, devastated, traumatised. If we hadn’t had this support from the hospice, I honestly don’t know where we would be.’
Ann and her children found support at Blythe House Hospice following the devastating loss of their beloved son and brother, Luca, who died in a car collision aged just 18.
Ann and her family – Armin, 25, Asa, 16, Essie, 13, and Cato, 9 – came to the hospice for counselling and play therapy after hearing about the service through Luca’s joinery apprentice manager.
Ann said: ‘Luca was quite a character, I would describe him as a one-off; we are all unique, but there was something about Luca that just stood out from the crowd. From a very young age, he was very assured and individual.
‘Luca was warm and bright; he is my light; he had a smile that melted hearts, and a heart that offered out care and love to all who surrounded him.
‘Luca absolutely adored his family; he was the best brother to his siblings and was so kind and caring. He worked so hard as an apprentice joiner, and he loved football; he would play football with his brothers at every opportunity, even out in the snow!
‘One of the most beautiful and inspirational qualities Luca had was that he saw a need in others and would do his upmost in a very quiet way to enhance their life or to just make them feel a little bit better for that day. Luca was so mindful of people not just with less than himself but people who struggled emotionally and socially, who struggled in school or in social situations with confidence.
‘When he died, it felt like the rug had been completely pulled from under our feet. Everything changed in a moment. Life will never be the same without Luca. Until something like this happens, you can’t possibly comprehend what life looks like afterwards.
‘If you live locally, you’ve probably heard of Blythe House, but I had no idea that grief counselling was something we could access here. The support has been so individual and so tailored to us. It honestly felt as though the counsellors had been hand-picked for each of us.’
For Ann, one of the most remarkable aspects of the support was the compassion and flexibility shown by the hospice team: ‘There were times when one of my sons was really struggling. I could call Ray [Leech, lead counsellor] and share my worries, and she would ring him just to check in and talk things through with him.
‘That level of care, that personal touch, just wouldn’t happen if we had gone through the doctors or a formal appointment system. Those small moments made such a difference to our day.’
Before finding Blythe House, Ann had been given a list of support services by doctors, but none felt right for her family: ‘I remember being handed a list of phone numbers to call, but many of the sessions were miles away in Chesterfield, or they were offered on Zoom. I just couldn’t face it; I needed support close to home for my family.
‘The thing with Blythe House is that they reached out to me. They said: “Hello Ann, we believe you need support and that children are involved. Please let us help.” When you’re in that level of grief, you need someone to do that for you. You need someone to make life that little bit easier when everything feels impossible.’
At first, Asa was completely certain that counselling wasn’t for him: ‘He was adamant he wasn’t coming. He said there was no way he was sitting in a room talking about what happened or his feelings. I pleaded with him: “please come just once,” and he did. In the end, he got so much from those sessions. When they were coming to an end, he turned around and said: “I still need to come.”
‘My daughter Essie created a page with her counsellor called “Essie’s Voice.” It helped her to hear her own thoughts and understand what she was feeling. It gave her a way to express herself that she might not have found otherwise.
For Cato, the hospice’s play therapy sessions created a different but equally meaningful way to process his grief: ‘He made the most beautiful memory box, and he created sand bottles, carefully layering different colours that reminded him of Luca’s outfits, for example, what Luca had been wearing when he took Cato to a football match. It was such a special way for him to hold on to those memories.
‘With Ray, I can be totally open and honest. Everybody grieves differently. It affects relationships, it changes the way each of you carries that loss. One day, Ray asked me: “Do you keep things from me? Do you give me a version of yourself that you think I want to hear?” And I said: “Absolutely not. I say exactly what I need to say.” I can be completely honest with her. She made me feel so at ease.
‘We have valued this support more than I could ever express. When something like this happens, there really isn’t a way to describe how you feel. You’re lost, devastated, traumatised. If we hadn’t had this support from the hospice, I honestly don’t know where we would be.
‘In the early days, I didn’t want to leave the house. Blythe House forced me to get into the car and come out. It helped me find the courage to step outside again. Ray has given me techniques to listen to how I’m feeling; to listen to my own voice. She said to me: “You’re navigating this ship. Don’t put too great an expectation on yourself.”
‘That has stayed with me. It has given me the strength and confidence to say what I can and can’t do. When everything feels overwhelming, the support has helped all of us build resilience. When you are grieving, care and time become the most important things.
‘Blythe House has been like a supportive arm around our shoulders, like a quiet hug when you need it most. We’ve been gently guided by the hospice every step of the way.’
Find out more about counselling and bereavement support at Blythe House Hospice
