‘When you’re at your most vulnerable, Blythe House is such a welcoming and friendly place.’
Louise received bereavement support at the hospice following the death of her beloved Dad, John, in October 2021.
Louise, who’s from Buxton, said: ‘Dad was diagnosed with liver cancer in 2017; he had started getting out of breath and was struggling with his breathing. When he was diagnosed, the consultant told us he’d probably been living with the cancer for a while before his diagnosis. The consultant told my husband and I – as Dad did not want to know – that he only had six to twelve months left to live. Dad was going to The Christie to have medication called Sorafenib (a type of drug known as a ‘cancer blocker’); he was unable to have chemotherapy or surgery to remove the cancer as he had a heart condition.
‘During Covid, Dad ended up with another illness which made him very poorly and he was unable to take the Sorafenib. In August 2021, when he was feeling better, we went back to The Christie to find out if he could start re-taking the medication, but he was sadly told that the cancer had spread, and so the drugs wouldn’t be useful anymore.
‘Dad was devastated – he had been holding on to the hope that he’d be able to start re-taking the meds – but on the car journey home, it was the first time we broached the subject of his death, and from this point we started to discuss his funeral arrangements. He told me he’d like to help write his own eulogy; he provided facts and figures including dates that he started work and other important milestones in his life, and he asked me if I could read it at his funeral.
‘He chose hymns and said that he’d like to leave the church to My Life, a song by The Beatles. It was important to him to input his thoughts and wishes into his own funeral plan. Following his death, when I started to read the eulogy at his funeral, I made a point to say how he’d be looking down on us all there – all his family and friends together in one room, with his chosen music – and he’d be quite annoyed that he wasn’t with us!
‘Before all of this, it was suggested to us by another member of the community healthcare team that we should contact Blythe House for some support. We had no idea what the hospice could offer us, but the very kind lady on the phone arranged for Mum, Dad and me to visit, to discuss how they could help. We realised that the care and support wasn’t just for Dad – that there were complementary therapies available, which Mum was interested to try, and I was keen to try some mindfulness. Dad was more interested in how they could help Mum and me; he came away feeling content that we were being supported.
‘In August 2021, Dad very rapidly became more poorly, and in early September, he was admitted to Ashgate Hospice in Chesterfield. At first, we thought this would just be for a respite break; for Dad to get himself back on track and reset. Unfortunately, the cancer had spread and he was getting very confused. We’d put Classic FM on the radio for Dad, as he loved to listen to classical music. He still planned to come home, but on the day he was due to return home, he died at the hospice. Mum and I both agreed it was the best thing for him that he’d stayed there.
‘As Dad was so poorly, we knew to expect the worst and so I was feeling lots of pressure and responsibility to be organised and get it right. After his death, I didn’t have time to think about my own grief as I was so busy organising practical things like the funeral, a death certificate, liaising with the bank – and supporting my family including my Mum, brother and sister, although they were both a wonderful help. I kept my brain going with all these practical things.
‘During Dad’s stay at the hospice, Emma Richards [community engagement nurse at Blythe House and Helen’s Trust], called me to see how I was. I explained the situation and she said she’d ring back, which she did a few weeks later, and we arranged to meet.
Emma Richards – Community Engagement Nurse
‘The biggest thing for me during my conversations with Emma, was just the talking. Emma listened in such a way that made me appreciate she was taking everything in. Every time we met again; she picked up right where we left off the last time. Emma must see so many people, but when I spoke to her, it was like I was the only person she was supporting. It was so valuable to have that time; it was my time to grieve. Emma also gave me lots of techniques and tools to practice mindfulness in my everyday life.
‘My meetings with Emma gave me the opportunity to think about how I was actually feeling. I found the inner strength to be strong for Mum; recognising the times when I needed mindfulness, knowing my triggers or when I was becoming overwhelmed. Emma helped me in so many ways that she might not realise; giving practical advice about boundaries; asking questions; not being afraid to challenge things; and not saying yes to everything.
‘I am immensely grateful for all of the time and support at Blythe House; not just from Emma but everyone who I’ve come into contact with, who has been so friendly and welcoming – on the phone or the reception desk. To anyone reading this, if you’re umming and aring about taking the first step to make the call or visit the hospice, just know that when you’re at your most vulnerable, Blythe House is such a welcoming and friendly place.’
Find out more about carers and bereavement support here at the hospice.
